take me to church
by WhatsABriard
Summary: "Then it's not my church anymore." Post-ep to 5x08. Patterned drabbles. This time with better formatting, probably.


_i_

Jean's heart raced. Lucien clung to her hand, his palms sweaty and his fingers trembling, as they made their way across the cemetery. She'd stood between him and death and…

Well. That had been a shock to her system. Not that she'd done it but the resolution she'd felt in that moment. Come what may, they would deal with it together.

His was the life she wanted to share, from now until eternity. She wanted _him_. Every frustrating, obnoxious, silly, brilliant bit of him.

In the end she hadn't had to choose. It was the church that chose for her.

 _ii_

At the car, Lucien turned abruptly and swept Jean into his arms. He buried his face against her neck and he mumbled against her skin.

"What?" She had to push him away to make out the words.

"I almost lost you." He breathed.

"He didn't shoot. I'm sorry, Lucien, I didn't think. I just knew you were in danger and-"

"Not today." He paused, took a deep breath and looked mildly shocked, as though the full impact of the afternoon was just settling. "Well, yes, almost today, too. But last week. The divorce. The newspaper…"

"Oh, that." Jean waved dismissively. What was a little scandal when they'd both faced death that very afternoon? "It is what it is, Lucien. You were foolish to act without telling me, but…I understand."

Of course she understood. She'd just thrown herself in front of a gun. She'd known desperation and fear and loss in that moment. He was impulsive and annoyingly self-righteous but she understood him. Apparently, they were both prone to making rash decisions in the name of love.

Jean pressed deeper into his embrace, her ear to his chest. The steady thrum of his heart was soothing and settled her jangling nerves.

 _iii_

"I left the church today. I've told Father Emery." They were in the kitchen. Charlie and Matthew were still at the station and they decided to have sandwiches for dinner. Lucien nearly dropped the cold-cuts as he turned to stare at her, gawping.

"Why today?"

"It was Munro, actually." Jean said thoughtfully. "I told him we were engaged and he was so… rude. I wanted to knock the hat from his head."

"Munro made you angry so you left the church?"

She turned an arched brow in his direction. "Yes. And no. Mostly no. Last week Father Emery asked me if we'd done anything that couldn't be undone. He wanted me to consider the possibility that I could leave you. I told him no, we hadn't, but that wasn't true, was it?"

"Everyone behaves as though I've lost my head. As though I'll come to my senses. As though loving you were easy." She tilted her head and her lips thinned. "As though I'm only marrying you to legitimize what we've already done."

She knew what they said of her - the knowing surprise at the urgency of her wedding to Christopher. But so long as she'd followed the rules, put on the veil and made the show, she was absolved. She spent most of her adult life repenting and believing she had earned the reputation that resurfaced when Lucien came home.

"Jean, we haven't-" She brushed her thumb across his lips and he stared up at her, wide-eyed with awe.

"No we haven't, not yet." She sighed. "Loving you in that way- that isn't important."

Lucien looked startled.

"No, I mean it is. But it's not…" She moved her palm to his cheek. "Commitment isn't physical. I committed myself to you long ago and it can't be undone so easily."

 _ii_

Difficult though it had been, something loosened in Jean's chest as she walked away from Father Emery, the serene but lost beauty of her family's church at her back. She wondered if he'd call out to her, ask her again to reconsider.

Her lips curled in a small, crooked grin. He'd heard her confession too often to believe she'd change her mind once it had been made. The click of her heels echoed against the vast space, filled with memories both lovely and painful.

She was leaving a place, not a belief. Her heart - lighter than it had been in months - was filled. As she waited for Father Emery she had prayed and in asking for God's forgiveness she found a comforting peace. He was with her, even if the congregation was not.

Jean would worship in other places now - kneeling among the hydrangeas with her hands buried in rich, dark soil. She would find fellowship with Alice Harvey. She would seek guidance in the wisdom of Matthew Lawson. She would find absolution in Lucien's embrace.

She would ask God for serenity and protection, and she believed He heard her.

In the autumn, she decided, she would finally be married.

 _i_

Lucien removed the paper with childlike glee. She loved to watch him open gifts and found herself wanting to spoil him, even as he did the same for her. She rubbed her thumb over her engagement ring and resisted the urge to touch her earrings again.

"I thought perhaps we should choose a date. And maybe start inviting people." The divorce would be sorted by March. They would be free.

"This is the best christmas present ever." Emotion threaded his words and he swallowed. "You know I snore."

Her smile was wide and bright

"For better or for worse, Lucien."


End file.
